There are misconceptions about love that I would love to believe. It’s just a pity they’re not true.
1.
This is a claim that is repeated from millennium to millennium and from love song to love song – so badly do we want to believe it.
Unfortunately, it is not true.
«Love does not heal. It does feel like it at the beginning of a relationship. The person in love feels healthy and happy, and all the problems suddenly seem to have disappeared,» says Marjo Ehn, a couples therapist.
«In the initial heat, it feels like the beloved is the answer to everything. As long as you get to keep that wonderful guy, your worries are gone for the rest of your life.»
That’s the point of the love phase: to remove all trauma for a while, so that people have the courage to mate.
«At best, love can kick-start recovery, but the real work of recovery is up to each person.»
The problem is that the initial heat passes in about 1-5 years. After that, your own unresolved issues come back.
«For example, no one can get sober by falling in love. You can’t cure an alcoholic, no matter how great and well you love him. At best, love can kick-start recovery, but the real work of recovery is up to each individual.»
In her practice, Marjo Ehn has noticed that many couples talk only about «our life».
«Our life is an illusion. A balanced relationship is not born out of one life, one life that fits together, but out of two separate lives. At its best, a relationship is two independent people living their own lives – side by side and supporting each other.»
«Two people are never enough for each other’s lives.»
Independence is not a threat to a relationship, but a salvation. In practice, it means that both people make their own lives as interesting as possible: in other words, they pursue their hobbies, meet their friends and do the work they like.
If you live only «our life», the result is usually that one of you is in control and the other is submissive.
«Two people are never enough for each other’s lives. Love only lasts if there is enough else in both of their lives,» says Ehn.
«A couple doesn’t grow apart by becoming independent, but by living in a forcibly stretched artificial symbiosis. That’s when you’re hanging out in a fantasy that isn’t real.»
