«No points for length of grief»
Tani knows that many mourners feel the pressure of being expected to get on with life as usual, often quite quickly. Words of encouragement can feel tedious.
«It’s easy to be told after just a few months that you’re moving on. If you’ve lost a child or a loved one, it’s a terrible idea to try to be upbeat. It takes time to recover from that. In our Cancer Society peer support groups, many people say it’s wonderful to see how long someone else can grieve.»
Does continuing to grieve for a long time then tell you how much you’ve lost a loved one? Tani doesn’t think so.
«It has more to do with what kind of person you are. You don’t give any points for how long you mourn.»
The most important thing is to know how to forgive
Tani knows that everyone is lucky enough to have a moment when they don’t wake up in the morning with terrible anxiety or great sadness.
«It doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving. You can just start to see glimpses of joy again. To be happy that a friend is contacting you, that the sun is shining.»
What if your own or another’s grief shows no signs of dissipating, quite the opposite? Minna Tani thinks that there is something in a person’s life or mind that prevents the grieving process from really getting started.
«In the background, there may have been bends in life, perhaps with a lost person. Not talking about things at the time. Or there’s been an argument. That can keep you stuck in grief.»
One of the most important things in recovery is knowing how to forgive yourself.
It can be difficult to work things out when the other party is no longer there.
«Then you just have to get over it somehow. Either in your own mind or with the help of a professional counsellor.»
It’s not always about conflict. You don’t need badly knotted, inflamed relationships to have a lot of grief. Minna Tani has seen how often it is common for the bereaved to also feel negative emotions.
«No relationship is all sunshine and sunshine, and especially between parent and child, there is often time for a confrontation. Perhaps one of the biggest things in recovery is being able to forgive yourself. To think that it was just a situation at the time, and those are just part of life. You have to let go of feelings of bitterness and guilt.»
Cancer Society meetings address these feelings. Tani thinks it is important to bring up negative feelings about oneself and relationships.
«Grief is kind of a bundle of emotions. There are a lot of bad feelings on top, but underneath the pile there are also good feelings. At some point they will come out.»
