The body can also tell about pain
Grieving people often ask a Cancer Society support worker to tell them when the worst stage is starting to recede.
«People often ask ‘tell me it will get better in a year’. But for many, it doesn’t. For others, that’s when the mourning seems to start.»
Counsellor Tan says it is not abnormal and should not be alarmed if, even a year after the loss of a spouse, you still feel, for example, that your heart stops beating.
«I myself remember how, after losing my mother when I was young, I felt so much sadness a year later that it hurt physically. At the time I thought, «Oh, I’m so happy, I still hurt so much.»
Grief is not something that life shouldn’t be about. Grief is not something to be avoided.
For Minna Tani, grief is not something that life shouldn’t be about: although it’s hard to grieve, it shouldn’t be avoided. What really worries Tani most are those who, even in the midst of loss, seem extraordinarily strong, steady and resilient.
«I wonder if they’re really holding up anyway. Whoever talks about their grief is at least going through it. Martti Lindqvist said that grief cannot be avoided, it will come sometimes. But of course everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief.»
Lost will to live
Sometimes loss causes a strong loss of zest for life. Counsellor Minna Tani knows that suicidal thoughts are very common among widows.
«It’s easy to think, ‘I’m going with you.’ That I’m going to die too. For most people, of course, it remains a thought.»
Tani thinks that such dark thoughts are natural. They need to be talked about.
«Of course, if your thoughts start to revolve more around your own death, then you need help.»
Ten or twenty years from now, you may still be crying from the sadness.
You can find the will to live again with the support of others, in memories and in what’s still there. The grandparent can still be the living grandmother or grandfather who creates new memories for the grandchildren and tells them about the one who has gone.
Minna Tani likes the way crisis therapist Soili Poijula talks about grief work.
«She has said that grief is not a path that you take to get past something, but that grief lives in a certain way in memories until the end of life. It is not a feeling of being stuck, but rather a comforting thought. That ten or twenty years from now, there will still be tears of sadness.»
«Many people say it’s wonderful to see how long someone else can grieve.»
